To Whom it May Concern,
It is with great pleasure that I write today to offer my unqualified endorsement of candidate Bristlebrat Jootjunk for the Spring 2027 Sploggsville Trollternship Program.
I have had the privilege of getting to know Bristlebrat from my daily bridge crossings here in Sploggsville. She lives directly below the Flafstern Avenue bridge, in what appears to be a pile of empty donut boxes, moldy beach towels, and crumpled concert posters. Though perhaps “nest” is the better word? You’ll have to excuse my ignorance here, as I am somewhat unfamiliar with the habitats of trolls and try not to stare.
At any rate, Bristlebrat is the very picture of trollishness—truly a credit to her species. Not once has she responded to my morning greeting with anything friendlier than a peevish grunt. And if I’m not mistaken, she almost always turns to some hidden companion to snicker and sneer at my attempted civilities. I’m unsure as to whether trolls keep pets? Then again I suppose she could be talking to herself. Whatever it is she’s saying, and whoever it is she’s saying it to—her response is positively ill-mannered, if not downright nasty.
What’s more, Bristlebrat has shown herself to be an immensely unhelpful little troll. There was the time when, hurrying to cross the bridge in a rainstorm, I lost a shoe. The blasted thing tumbled down out of reach, directly into the weeds near where Bristlebrat sat punching buttons on a broken Blackberry. “Pardon me!” I called as politely as I could, loathe to disturb. “Pardon me, Bristlebrat? So terribly sorry to bother, but could I trouble you to throw my shoe back up?”
Good sir or madam, you’ll be impressed to learn that young Bristlebrat looked up to offer me a most baleful, disgusted gaze before pointedly returning her attention to the trash in her hand—and outright ignoring my request. That, you can be assured, is the kind of unmitigated rudeness which she will bring to the trollternship.
In sum, never in my life have I known a more unfriendly and less cooperative troll. I urge you to seriously consider her candidacy, for she will no doubt reflect and demonstrate daily the values of impudence and incivility which your program seeks to instill.
Yours in Civic Parternship,
Elouise N. Cubbysquare