Welcome to the party!
We are so glad you’re here. Well, that’s not really true. Most of us are completely indifferent to you being here. But here you are, so we need to inform you of a few rules relating to your arrival and departure.
On the subject of your arrival, we ask two things:
One, that you do not ask why you are here. None of us has any clue, and it’s something you’ll have to sort out for yourself.
Two, that you direct any anger you have about ending up here without your consent inward. It’s considered quite gauche to blame those who are actually directly responsible. Depending on your age, you may feel compelled to cut those two individuals more or less slack. The younger you are, the more understandable your rage. But again—keep it to yourself.
Now to the subject of your departure.
It is imperative that you only leave the party in the company of an escort. We cannot stress this strongly enough. You must not leave the party until someone comes to fetch you. Under no circumstances are you to leave the party of your own volition. We understand that at some point, you may grow tired of the party and wish to go. Indeed, there may be reasons for which you are desperate to leave. However, it is absolutely, positively forbidden for you to depart before your escort arrives.
And should you do so, know that you will be forever regarded with pity at best and contempt at worst. Please listen carefully, for this is very important: no matter how happily you make your exit, no matter if you are veritably dancing as you head out the door, full to the brim of wonderful memories and experiences but just, well, partied out—you will be forever seen as a tragic figure. However much joy and radical acceptance you leave with, we will not celebrate your attendance. We will cluck our tongues and shake our heads and think only of your departure.
Is that understood? Good. There’s more.
We also ask that if thoughts about leaving the party creep in, you do NOT share them with the beloved, trusted individuals in your life (i.e., your friends and family). IF you are experiencing Departure Desire, you may ONLY speak to a complete stranger about it, and you must be prepared to pay money for that conversation (or, series of conversations). It is seen as a most heinous breach of decorum to disturb your loved ones with any hint of Departure Desire. Indeed, it is thought downright cruel to expect anyone without an advanced degree in party-pooperism to so much as listen to such thoughts.
Now for the most crucial point. If, despite all these admonitions, you’ve decided to leave the party on your own, you must—ABSOLUTELY MUST—do so without informing anyone. You must make, as they say, an “Irish exit.” Do not say goodbye to a soul, no matter how deeply you love them. To have a farewell forced on us by another partygoer is the most excruciating thing we can experience, and you must not put any of us through it. Again—these rules apply no matter how in command of your faculties you are, no matter how long you have been planning to leave, and no matter what precautions you take against disrupting the scene.
It’s a party, after all. We are trying to have fun.