Satire & Sketches

Satire, headlines, doodles, graphics, comics, and other nonsense.

Party-Pooperism

Welcome to the party!

We are so glad you’re here. Well, that’s not really true. Most of us are completely indifferent to you being here. But here you are, so we need to inform you of a few rules relating to your arrival and departure.

On the subject of your arrival, we ask two things:

One, that you do not ask why you are here. None of us has any clue, and it’s something you’ll have to sort out for yourself.

Two, that you direct any anger you have about ending up here without your consent inward. It’s considered quite gauche to blame those who are actually directly responsible. Depending on your age, you may feel compelled to cut those two individuals more or less slack. The younger you are, the more understandable your rage. But again—keep it to yourself.

Now to the subject of your departure.

It is imperative that you only leave the party in the company of an escort. We cannot stress this strongly enough. You must not leave the party until someone comes to fetch you. Under no circumstances are you to leave the party of your own volition. We understand that at some point, you may grow tired of the party and wish to go. Indeed, there may be reasons for which you are desperate to leave. However, it is absolutely, positively forbidden for you to depart before your escort arrives.

And should you do so, know that you will be forever regarded with pity at best and contempt at worst. Please listen carefully, for this is very important: no matter how happily you make your exit, no matter if you are veritably dancing as you head out the door, full to the brim of wonderful memories and experiences but just, well, partied out—you will be forever seen as a tragic figure. However much joy and radical acceptance you leave with, we will not celebrate your attendance. We will cluck our tongues and shake our heads and think only of your departure.

Is that understood? Good. There’s more.

We also ask that if thoughts about leaving the party creep in, you do NOT share them with the beloved, trusted individuals in your life (i.e., your friends and family). IF you are experiencing Departure Desire, you may ONLY speak to a complete stranger about it, and you must be prepared to pay money for that conversation (or, series of conversations). It is seen as a most heinous breach of decorum to disturb your loved ones with any hint of Departure Desire. Indeed, it is thought downright cruel to expect anyone without an advanced degree in party-pooperism to so much as listen to such thoughts.

Now for the most crucial point. If, despite all these admonitions, you’ve decided to leave the party on your own, you must—ABSOLUTELY MUST—do so without informing anyone. You must make, as they say, an “Irish exit.” Do not say goodbye to a soul, no matter how deeply you love them. To have a farewell forced on us by another partygoer is the most excruciating thing we can experience, and you must not put any of us through it. Again—these rules apply no matter how in command of your faculties you are, no matter how long you have been planning to leave, and no matter what precautions you take against disrupting the scene.

It’s a party, after all. We are trying to have fun.

45 Exoplanets in the Habitable Zone Invite The People of Earth to Apply for Colonization Rights

“A new study has identified 45 rocky exoplanets — planets orbiting other stars in the Milky Way — that may be capable of supporting life.” - Forbes

- - -

To the People of Earth:

It has recently come to our attention that members of your scientific community have identified us, the undersigned, as a target list of 45 exoplanets in the empirical Habitable Zone. That is to say, you believe we exhibit the fundamental conditions requisite to supporting human life. We do indeed, and we are pleased that you are considering an Exoplanet HZ Corp property for your next extrasolar residence!

In order to move forward with your application, we ask that you take the following steps:

  1. Send a cover letter detailing your experience with colonizing new planets to newhome@exoplanetHZ.com. Please note that candidates must have a minimum of 5 prior colonizations.

  2. Provide at least one planetary reference. Upload.

  3. Create a short video (3 to 5 minutes) detailing why you would be a good fit for the exoplanet community. Upload.

  4. Answer the following questions:


A) I work best in an environment of low oxygen and high methane.

Agree
Disagree

B) Tidal locking (a state of permanent day/night) terrifies me.

Agree
Disagree

C) What are three words your current planet would use to describe you?

D) Outline in a few sentences your methods of natural resource management, population control, and species conservation.

- - -

Thank you for your interest in Exoplanet HZ Corp. We look forward to reviewing your application!

Sincerely,

GJ 1002 b
GJ 1002 c
GJ 1061 c
GJ 1061 d
GJ 251 c
GJ 273 b
GJ 3323 b
GJ 667 C c
GJ 667 C e
GJ 667 C f
GJ 682 b
K2-239 d
K2-288 B b
K2-3 d
K2-72 e
Kepler-1229 b
Kepler-1410 b
Kepler-1544 b
Kepler-1606 b
Kepler-1649 c
Kepler-1652 b
Kepler-186 f
Kepler-296 e
Kepler-296 f
Kepler-441 b
Kepler-442 b
Kepler-452 b
Kepler-62 e
Kepler-62 f
L 98-59 f
LHS 1140 b
LP 890-9 c
Proxima Centauri b
Ross 508 b
TOI-1266 d
TOI-700 d
TOI-700 e
TOI-715 b
TRAPPIST-1 d
TRAPPIST-1 e
TRAPPIST-1 f
TRAPPIST-1 g
Teegarden's Star c

Poll Shows Gen Z Regrets Initiating Trend of Inward-Facing Elevator Rides

CHARLOTTE, NC - A new Gallup poll indicates that a majority of individuals ages 15 to 29 deeply regret their role in contributing to a recent trend in elevator ride body orientation. According to the April 2026 poll, 87% of Gen Z respondents feel remorse for adopting the new and unconventional stance, wherein riders face the interior of the elevator car as opposed to its doors, as has been standard practice since the technology was introduced in the late 19th century.

“Okay, look. We didn’t really think this one through,” admitted 22 year-old poll participant Finley Chastain. “We just felt so weird staring straight ahead, like zombies or something. But this is so much more awkward. I think we should switch back to how it was before.”

Experts suggest that the 90-degree rotation is preferred by riders seeking to ease the psychological discomfort of standing still by repurposing elevator walls as seating for the duration of the ride, which lasts on average twenty seconds.

“That way they can look at their phones while assuming a position of studied insouciance,” explained sociologist Evie Blarth. “Otherwise they have to tilt their heads down sharply, to see their phones so close to their bodies. Much less cool looking. Honestly, I get it.”

In a related poll, Gen X individuals were surveyed on their reaction to the trend. Of those responding, 68% said they ignore the inward-facing riders, while 32% confessed to “glaring contemptuously” in hopes the riders would look up and feel the scorn they so deeply, if wordlessly, wished to convey.

Cordelia’s Self-Evaluation

Middle class though I am, I cannot heave
Self-aggrandizement into my mouth. I love mine employment
According to my salary; no more nor less.
Good my supervisor,
You have hired me, onboarded me me, train’d me; I
Return my duties back as are right fit,
Obey you, support you, and most respect you.
Why have my colleagues work-life balance, if they say
They love you all? Haply, when I shall retire,
That shareholder whose value must make my payout shall carry
Half my IRA with him, half my care and duty.
Sure I shall never strive like my coworkers,
To love my manager all.

PROject 2025 Leak

Whoa, you guys. This is crazy. A phone number I don’t recognize just sent me this over Telegram?! It looks like some kind of leaked page from Project 2025, like an addendum maybe??

Sick Tune, Bro

And now, my impression of what it’s like for every long-suffering, endlessly patient girlfriend to listen to every single shitty, comically amateurish attempt at songwriting from her covert narcissist boyfriend’s latest “album”, which was mixed on a ten year-old laptop whose keys are so sticky with malt liquor residue that keyboard malfunction is the only possible excuse for its utter incomprehensibility, and which she is too afraid to admit she can’t understand a single fucking word of, because to do so would send him into a Level Nine Sulk from which he will only emerge when he feels he has adequately, if passive-aggressively, punished her for “not getting it”:

███████ █████ ohhhhyeah █████ ██████ ████

████ ██ ███ ██ ███ ██ █ ███ █████ █

█ █████but she said █████ ██████ ████
███████ █████ █████ ██████ ████

████ ██ ███ ██ ███ ██ █ ███ █████ █

████ ██ █ ████ █████ █ ████ █ ████

████ ██ █ ████ █████ █ ████ █ ████

█lately ████ ███ ██ ████ █ █████ █ ██████ ████ ████

███ █████ ██ ██ █████ ███ ███ █████

██ ██ ██████ █ ███ could you just ██ ████

████████ ███ █ ███ ██████ ███ █ ██

███ █ ██ ██████████ never never ever███ ████ ████

█████ ██ ██ ██ ████████ ████ ██ to youuu█

And in case you are confused because you are one such boyfriend, let me explain that since your music is produced like dogshit, no one can make out the lyrics you undoubtedly think are genius, and instead (and this is the joke part coming up) it’s the auditory equivalent of trying to read a redacted brief (that’s a law term).

Hope this helps.

Beloved Family Pet Toppled in Newborn Power Grab

BROOKLYN, NY - Area couple Thom and Joy Oswald disclosed today their intention to transfer all affection and attention previously enjoyed by their eight year old terrier mix Fitz to a seven pound, four ounce human newborn with whom they share a measure of deoxyribonucleic acid. Effective immediately, sources say Fitz's cuddling privileges and fetch sessions have been suspended indefinitely, while daughter Berkeley will be showered twenty-four hours a day with kisses and tummy tickles.

"I mean, he can't complain. He's had a good run," stated Thom, who until Berkeley's arrival at St. Joseph General at 8:34 a.m. on December 7, where she obtained an Apgar score of 9 and delighted the nursing staff with her itty bitty fingers and toes, used to walk Fitz twice daily without fail. "I'm sure he understands. This is just how it goes."

Citing her infant child's complete and utter helplessness as the primary factor in the decision to henceforth all but ignore a once-treasured pet, Joy relocated Fitz's bed, bowls, and toys from the kitchen to the laundry room. "The high chair has to go somewhere," she explained. "And I don't need him underfoot when I'm cooing at Berkeley the way I used to coo at him."

Officials say Fitz plans to live out his emotional banishment curled up beside an empty water dish, dreaming of frisbee with Thom, and patiently waiting for his new sister to learn compassion.

Crop Top Unfairly Burdened With Responsibility For Woman’s Happiness

REDWOOD CITY, CA - Unsure as to its ability to singlehandedly boost the wearer's ego to a state of self-perceived fuckability, a local crop top admitted today that it might need reinforcement. "I'm doing all I can here, I really am. But this chick is never satisfied." The crop top, a sophisticated shade of hot pink rarely seen since the Reagan administration, expressed concern that it may not be adequately providing the emotional fulfillment expected of it.

"I fear I'm just the latest in a long list of stuff failing to furnish this lady with any sense of gratification. It's almost like she doesn't want to be happy." Doubtful about its capacity to grant the sort of genuine contentment she'd been unable to find in other things including her children, marriage, several URLs, pretty light, health and relative wealth, the crop top was also worried about job security. "She'll probably toss me out in the next toy purge. Unless she finds a way to wear me backwards."

Area Couple Disagree About Best Place To Abandon Used Blender


PORTLAND, OR - Citing safety concerns, Chaplin Lofts resident Carey Marvin dryly suggested to longtime boyfriend Trent Colson that perhaps the formerly functional pile of junk with which the two once made smoothies should be placed on the trash room floor beside the recycling bin, rather than on top of it. "It's glass, " she sighed, her head tilted at an angle evoking long-suffering resignation. "It could fall and break. And those blades are sharp? Someone might cut themselves?"

Trent, however, felt confident in his initial decision to precariously perch the appliance atop the large, rolling blue bin with slightly convex lid. "No one will see it on the ground," he argued with the same conviction he'd once felt about his ability to fit an oversized carry-on into the overhead luggage compartment of a budget airline. "Somebody's gonna grab it right away, anyway. A good blender like this? They'll be thrilled!"

When asked whether the couple intended to include the instruction manual alongside their neighborly offering, Marvin rolled her eyes aggressively and muttered, "Oh yeah, like he kept that."

Counting Sheep vs. Succumbing to a Litter of Puppies

Fuck Yeah, Garland In Nineteen Easy Steps

Do you find yourself with extra time on your hands this holiday season? Are you casting about for things to do on these long, lazy winter evenings?

Well it's your lucky day because tonight I'm sharing my awesome Fuck Yeah, Garland tutorial, guaranteed to kill at least an hour. Two if you drink your way through it. Ready??

1. Purchase several bags of the most adorable needle felted, multicolor mini pom poms you can find. What's that? Needle felting is so 2005? Fuck you. Whimsy has no expiration date. Never mind buying in bulk online, there is nothing twee about saving money. Try to find the small, expensive bags of pom poms sold in art supply stores or interior design boutiques. Lose receipt immediately upon purchase.

2. Shove pom poms in a drawer and forget about them for 1-2 years. 

3. Retrieve pom poms and place in a highly visible area of your home (for instance the key tray or your refrigerator's vegetable crisper). Avoid studiously for 2-3 weeks.

4. Empty bags onto a clean, smooth surface such as your dining table or desk, which probably has plenty of room because it isn't covered by, say, several coffee-stained pages from the manuscript of your first novel.

5. Sort by color and/or size. Whatever.

6. Stop and congratulate yourself on how fucking twee a vignette you’ve created. Instagram that shit, immediately. Go on, I'll wait. 

7. Here's where it gets tricky! In order to evenly distribute the various size pom poms throughout the garland, you'll need to do some math to determine placement. Do this math.

8. Line pom poms up according to your math.

9. Find some thread somewhere. What do you mean you don't have thread? You're a grown ass woman, how you can you not even have a basic sewing kit?? No, dental floss isn't going to work . Well it probably would but Jesus Christ.

10. Run to Rite Aid for a sewing kit. 

11. Now for the fun part—threading the garland!

12. Okay well first you have to thread the needle, lol. 

13. Shit. Is your boyfriend or anyone with better eyesight around? No?

14. That's okay. You can do this. It's not like the ability to thread a needle is some test of your vitality or whatever, haha. If you fail it doesn't mean you're like...old...

15. Thread the needle. Oh, almost. Try again. So close! Okay well that wasn't close at all. Probably put the wine down until you're done with this step. Are you sure you don't need contacts? I mean I know you wear glasses for reading and night driving but maybe you should consider—okay okay, I'll shut up. Did you get it yet? Try cutting it and licking the end. Stop cursing. Stop cursing in French, you're not even pronouncing the words right. 

16. HOLY SHIT YOU DID IT.

17. Knot one end of the thread neatly with some kind of fancy, non-fraying knot. Maybe there's a YouTube video or something.

18. Thread garland.

19. Sit back and admire your handiwork!

A Simple Formula for determining the age-appropriateness of an outfit

Y = your age

H = hem length, in inches

h = heel height, in inches

c = amount of cleavage showing, in cleavots

s = slutshine

b = no. of children (your own, birthed or adopted)

k = no. of children (attending the event in question)

f = no. of fucks given

SCORING

A = 3 or less: Even your mother-in-law would approve. 

A = 4-7: It's iffy, but what the fuck. YOLO or something. Just don't Instagram it.

A = 10 or greater: Time to go shopping!

Stephanie’s Standards

"Oh but he's such a catch," she said, when her friends raised their eyebrows at one another. "He's got some limbs and a mouth and a functioning brain. He speaks fluent English and has read at least three books for pleasure. He can boil water and operate a car. I'm quite certain he's never murdered anyone, and he doesn't kick my dog."

Thus enlightened, her friends had no choice but to be happy for her. Except for Stephanie, who secretly wondered what sort of fish had been thrown back.

 Roachmate

To my new roommate:

Welcome to loft 712! I trust you're settling in nicely, and finding your new surroundings clean, comfortable, and cozy. I'm going to assume that this isn't your first experience with co-habitation; my understanding is that your species tends to reside in large numbers, typically in sewers, subways, and the dumpsters behind C-grade restaurants. I hope you find my apartment as agreeable as those quarters!

Anyway, I'm sure you're familiar with the need to establish some basic ground rules between roommates, for the sake of both parties. Which is why I took the liberty of drawing up a short list of "roomie requests" with which I hope you won't mind complying. And please—if you have a similar list for myself, I'd be happy to look it over, though I will ask that you write as large as possible.

1. I saw when you came in that you immediately gravitated to the area underneath my dishwasher and kitchen sink. I think that's an excellent place for you; you'll have plenty of space and privacy for reading, knitting, gaming, or whatever leisure activities you engage in. I only ask that if either myself or my dog enters the kitchen, that you not come scurrying out to greet us. We startle easily, and might accidentally step on you, or try to eat you, or drop whatever encyclopedia-sized book we're carrying on you. And since you left the emergency contact section of your lease application blank, I wouldn't know how to reach your loved ones should you get hurt.

2. My bed is completely off limits. Please do not come anywhere near it at any time of day or night, even if I am out. I cannot stress enough my need for you to respect this boundary. In fact, should you violate this very important rule, your security deposit will be immediately forfeited to help defray the cost of my subsequent therapy.

3. On those rare occasions that I have company, please please please stay completely out of sight. You seem like a really lovely arthropod, and please don't take my disinclination to socialize personally. It's just that some of my friends—while I love them!—are a little bit sanctimonious about dumb things like "sanitary living conditions" and "health codes." I wouldn't want any of them to say something in your presence that might hurt your feelings.

4. No parties allowed whatsoever. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't invite any of your friends over, ever.

5. No:

  • smoking

  • curtain climbing

  • swimming in the toilet

  • napping in my shoes

  • music after 10pm (NPR ok)

6. Finally, please do not download any porn onto my computer, which you are otherwise welcome to use (wifi password: NUCLEARFALLOUT). 

Okay, I think that about covers it! As I said above, if you have any requests of your own, just let me know. I'm confident that, despite being such very different creatures, we can peacefully coexist until the exterminator comes on Monday indefinitely.

Warmly, 

Your new flatmate, Ellie

Their Boys Elroys

Dear Valued Employee,

It is with heavy hearts that we write today. Though it has been our most sincere wish to justly reward your many years of loyalty and longanimity, today we must come clean. There will be no rewards, just or otherwise. The jig is up. Your position, we regret to say, has been eliminated. 

As you know, Cogswell's Cogs is a company that prides itself on innovation. It was Cogswell's that pioneered use of RUx33, permanently altering the landscape of the trade and allowing us to break into the previously inaccessible markets of gewgaws and gimcracks. And it was Cogswell's that first implemented Zimbot technology in our Aitutaki midifactory, bringing the gleaming edge of industry (if not jobs) to the shores of that untapped paradise and leading us to be named Thingmakers of The Year by Massify Magazine. And of course, you will be well aware that we remain the only cogs manufacturer to successfully restructure our internal operations to the 100-1 system (one hundred commissioned employees for every one C-suite executive), allowing us to deliver incomparable results to our shareholders.

All this considered, you no doubt understand that as an opportunity for acquisition, we have been a highly desirable target for some time. Friend, we held out as long as we could. But we have yacht payments to make and bunkers to design, and frankly, the current state of our stock isn't going to get us to Hilton Head, much less New Zealand. In disruptive times, disruptors must sometimes disrupt disruptions. This is one of those times. Effectively immediately, Cogswell's Cogs is legally dissolved and all its properties, patents, and holdings absorbed by parent company Spacely Sprockets. We appreciate all you have brought to Cogswell's and know you have a bright future in the thingmaking space. 

We ask that you now please Slack your coworkers goodbye, collect your Yeti mugs, and depart the premises. People and Culture will reach out separately with information regarding your severance package.

Sumus Optimus,

Team Cogswell

Index of Selected Life Experiences as Reflected in Songs I Love

 A

aging
solidarity in, via friendship…….………….……….…..……All My Friends, LCD Soundsystem
sting of.………………………………………………………………Family Friend, The Vaccines
Losing My Edge, LCD Soundsystem

alienation, constant sense of……………………………………Everybody’s Changing, Keane

ambition, pointlessness of……………………………………….Tougher Than It Is, Cake

attachment, pointlessness of……………………………………Arc of Time, Bright Eyes

B

breakups
contentious…………………………………………………….. Already Forgot Everything You Said, The Dig
inconclusive……………………………………………………..If You Wanna, The Vaccines
overdue…………………………………………………..……….Someday, The Strokes
painful……………………………………………………………..Careful, Guster

bridges, amicably burned………….…………………………..Landlocked Blues, Bright Eyes

C

childhood
adverse experiences………………………………………….When Will I Belong, Geographer
positive selective memory of…………………………..…The Unicorn, The Irish Rovers

casual sex
advantages of…………………………………….………….…I Want A Lover I Don’t Have to Love, Bright Eyes
age gap in……………….………………………………….……Your Love, The Outfield
Take it Easy (Love Nothing), Bright Eyes
with unavailable men………………………………….……Curtain Calls, Old 97s

codependence
romantic…………………………………………………………Crane Your Neck, Lady Lamb
post-romantic………………………………………………… Just a Memory, ODESZA

cohabitation………………………………………………………..Wheels, Cake

communication, difficulty in…………………………..……Say What You Feel, Jagwar Ma

D

depression
relief from, as provided by friends…………..…….…..Geraldine, Glasvegas
respite from, idiopathic origin………………………….There Goes the Fear, The Doves

disillusion
general…………………………………………………………...Road to Joy, Bright Eyes
romantic…………………………………………………..…… Someday, The Strokes
with society…………………………………………………….At The Bottom of Everything, Bright Eyes

F

friendship
excellence in……………………………………………………Simple Song, The Shins
A Glorious Day, Embrace
life-saving shared experience of…………………………All My Friends, LCD Soundsystem
loss of & pain caused thereof…………………………….All My Friends, LCD Soundsystem


G

grief, survival of…………………………………………...………Hold On, Alabama Shakes

I

infatuation
healthy…………………………………………………………..We Belong, ODESZA
Fresh Feeling, Eels
unhealthy……………………………………………………….South America, Shout Out Louds
Waiting for That Day, George Michael

L

loss
romantic..………………………………………………..…...It’s Only, ODESZA
familial…………………………………………………………Sloom, Of Monsters and Men

love
current idealized vision of…………………….…Oh Baby, LCD Soundsystem
post-apocalyptic vision of.………………….……Buick City Complex, Old 97’s
practical application of………..………….……….Let Me Go, Cake
secretly held vision of……..………………....……Save The Last Dance for Me, The Drifters

M

mental illness
acceptance of, in romantic partners…………My Beloved Monster and Me, Eels
Let Go, RAC
optimism about………………………………………….……Blinking Lights for Me, Eels

N

nostalgia
unmerited, romantic……………..………………………You Used to Be My Baby, Mike Del Rio
unmerited, other…………………………………………..Sedona, Houndmouth

P

psychedelics
enjoyed with partners……………..………………...…Inside Out, Spoon
enjoyed solo ………….……..…………………………….…Good For Me, Above & Beyond, Alpha 9 Remix

R

revenge, fantasies of…………………………………..….….Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay

resilience, hard won……………………………….…….…..Always Alright, Alabama Shakes
The Wind, Cat Stevens
Dime, Cake

S

self-perception, romanticized…………………………….English Girls Approximately, Ryan Adams
Science of Silence, Richard Ashcroft

suicide, heretofore aversion to…………………………….End of The Movie, Cake

T

toxic boy moms…………………………………………………Indefinitely, Old 97’s

W

writing, finding purpose in……………………………….Closer to Fine, Indigo Girls

The Twitter Bird’s glassdoor review

 Pros

Patio had excellent snacks.

Cons

Once Space Balls bought us, work life balance went to seed. Expected to be an early bird AND a late owl. PTO policy sucks. Asked for but was denied a week off to fly south for winter. Like, really?? You didn’t notice anything when you hired me?? So much for reasonable accommodation.

No one was interested in my legitimate 30,000 foot view, and the lack of support meant I was always winging it. Forever walking on egg shells around the CEO—dude is a bigger cuckoo than my batshit uncle Sonny.

Terminated with no warning whatsoever. Was offered a role at Boring monitoring carbon monoxide but honestly I would rather fly directly into the engine of a Spirit 747 than work for that dodo again.

NO FOMO

I wrote an SNL commercial, because why not. Featuring Andy Samberg, Pete Davidson, and Bill Hader as the announcer.

That Ship Has Sailed

Actually, I do come with an instruction manual

Sisyphus & Me

Statshot

Oops, missed a step

Narcissist Eye Chart

recalibrated

Festival Bingo

Spoonerisms

r/antiwork

killing the teal deer

Tale of Two Doors

You Are Here

Selfie Time

Gregslist

Back a billion years ago when I was dating [a guy named] Greg, I made him a live “Made Connections” website on Blogger. I hacked a Blogger template into oblivion to pare it down to only an exact stylistic copy of Craiglist Missed Connections:

All the blue hyperlinks are real (private now though). All the g4e and various combinations thereof? Those stood for Greg, Ellie, Chaucer, and Sydney (his dog). And if you click “greglist”, it will take you here:

And if you click on any of the post titles (which are all inside jokes, and the locations all real places in our neighborhood that meant something to us), you get to individual posts (which apparently I did not fully populate, but I’ll cut myself slack there):

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