“9-1-1, what is your emergency?”
“Uh yeah, hi, I just watched the wrong Good Boy.”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, would you repeat that?”
“I just watched the wrong Good Boy. I meant to watch the 2025 American horror film that everyone has been talking about, but I accidentally watched the 2023 Norwegian horror film of the same name. I wouldn’t even call it a horror movie, to be honest. I mean maybe. I’m definitely horrified, which is why I called. But the Amazon Prime tagline said ‘supernatural horror’ and since I’ve been purposely avoiding any discussion of the American film I had no idea what to expect. It looked like a newish release so I just figured, ‘Oh shit it’s Norwegian? Okay, cool, whatever.’”
“…..”
“Are you still there?”
“…yes.”
“Okay good, because I am traumatized and I need to speak to someone about what I just saw. What is your name?”
“Ma’am, this is an emergency services line. Do you have an actual emergency?”
(muffled reply)
”Ma’am! I said, DO YOU HAVE AN EMERGENCY?”
“Sorry, I stepped away for a sec. I’ve got you on speaker. Just need to grab you some screenshots. Can I text to this number?”
(deep sigh) “Okay, ma’am, I can tell you’re having some kind of episode, so I’ll make this my good deed for the week and hear you out. You have five minutes.”
(from a distance) “JUST GIVE ME TWO SECONDS, THERE’S ONE SHOT IN PARTICULAR I NEED TO OFFLOAD FROM MY BRAIN TO YOURS…JUST GOTTA FAST FORWARD TO FIND IT…”
“What did you say this movie was about?”
“The one I watched? It’s about a psychopath who forces some guy to live in his house and pretend to be a dog, and then the psychopath meets a girl on Tinder, and—look there is no justifying the existence of this film, in this life or next. And no words I say to you will return to me the earthly time I sacrificed, so—what did you say your name was again?”
“Well, did you try Reddit? It’s Leila.”
(from a distance) “WHAT WAS THAT?”
“I said, MY NAME IS LEILA AND DID YOU TRY REDDIT? Surely someone on the horror subreddit did the same stupid shit. Can’t you, like, commiserate with them?”
“Great minds think alike, Leila, as that was the first place I went. It would appear not, however. It would appear I am the only dumbass on the planet who sat through the entirety of this monstrosity without once stopping to question if I was in the right filmic universe. Did you say I could send photos to this number?”
“You can, yes, but we only use it for actual emergen—”
(far away) ”OKAY GREAT JUST GRABBING ONE MORE SHOT REAL QUICK HERE…UGH, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL, SO SORRY, ALMOST DONE…”
“Didn’t you say you watched it on Amazon Prime?”
“YEAH WHY?”
“Isn’t ad-free, like, only two bucks a month?”
“…."
“Ma’am? You still there?”
“I’m trying to cut back on screens, okay? I thought if I forced myself to leave ads on I’d watch less and write more—look it’s not important—MAN, TAGRISSO’S SIDE EFFECTS SOUND REALLY BAD, I THINK AT THAT POINT I’D JUST RATHER—OH OH! THERE IT IS! HOLD ON JUST GOTTA SEND YOU THESE…”
(sigh) “Listen ma’am, I’m gonna go ahead and disconnect, but you can call us back next time you have a real—WHAT IN THE GOOD GODDAMN—”
“Did you get it? Yeah sorry, I figured I’d start with the worst one. That’s where the psychopath spanks the bare ass of the human-dog for trying to warn the girlfriend about him. It’s right after he beats his cage with a bat and makes him bark. Do you see that ass? That’s a grown man’s ass, Leila. A very hairy grown man. I invested an hour and a half of my life into what I believed was the thought-provoking, must-see horror movie of winter 2025 only to come away with that seared into my mind’s eye.”
“Okay lady I’m hanging up, but—OH MY GOD WHAT THE—”
“Yeah in that next one you can really see the full body costume. The character just walks around on his knees in that dog suit the whole time. At first it’s absurdist and kind of hilarious, especially the first time he shoves his hood back to scream-whisper a warning at the girl. But then the only horror is dread, because you realize ‘Oh yay, this is going to be more gratuitous violence against women. Feel like I haven’t seen that in ages’, and then yep, sure enough, violence against a woman. Nothing supernatural or particularly creative other than the weird premise I guess, but again, I can’t tell you how UTTERLY FUCKING STUPID and ROBBED OF TIME I felt when I realized I’d plum watched the wrong Good Dog.”
(dead line)
“Leila? Leila, are you there? I took a video. Leila…?
